Tag Archives: weight loss

Of Wind and Light, of Melancholy and Happiness

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Today, during lunch, the wind was beating at Old Main and these were my thoughts:

The wind is howling outside my window, up here, above them all. I say ‘howling’ because that is expected, but also because it is true. The wind catches our pain in sound, the way nothing else can. I think if I could hear my soul it would sound like the wind heard from a very tall height. Not that I’m all pain–I’m definitely not. But the collective injustices of the world gather together and are voiced by the wind. It shrieks out: against rape, especially, against abuse and against neglect, against violence and sharp words and cubicles, against lost loves, long loves, storybook loves, and operatic loves (all loves are touched by at least a drop of the deepest pain). The soul wind also speaks of danger–run! flee! Of painful deceptions and backhanded complements, of mortality, of greed and hubris–from these things we run. 

But we also luxuriate in them.

The single greatest pain cried of by the wind is that these tragedies cannot exist without humanity, and we, humanity, cannot exist without them either.

———-

In addition to the beautifully melancholy wind, there was also an abundance of sunshine outside today, and out of the shadows it actually felt not-freezing-cold for about an hour. When I had to escape the office around lunchtime I rolled my windows down letting the wind blow out my hair and wished for my sunglasses. I am so, so, so happy. Therefore, expect many more sad poems. I write them best when I am happy.

When I returned indoors it was to another source of same spectrum of UVA light because I took my happy lamp to work. I had been using it at home but when I went back to work (after the week of snow days) it was too late at night and was keeping me up. Today I brought it into the office and I have been delightedly happy all day long, and awake. There was a lot of negative energy all throughout the day today, but I really didn’t mind. Earbuds in, sunshine lamp on, I was one happy office bee.

Unfortunately, Overstock.com has sold out its older model and the similar model is now $70, but ebay still has some options. I sincerely recommend this to everyone who doesn’t live in a supremely sunny climate (and who I haven’t already convinced that they need one). Everyone. I have been working out very regularly lately, but I hadn’t been able to lose weight for a while. I even put on a few pounds this fall/winter not used to being in the office all day and being just a wee bit tad depressed. Well, ladies and gents, since getting my happy light I have more than tripled my energy, positive vibes, and I have lost 8 pounds. Don’t worry, I weighed myself at different times during the day for three days in a row just to make sure it wasn’t a fluke. I know I have no proven scientific research, there are probably explainable mitigating factors, but ever since I started soaking up the rays I have gained happiness, motivation, and I have lost weight.

That is all for this evening, I’ve got to pick out my outfit for tomorrow. As the first declaration of our new office Fun Police, this Friday is Purple and Green day. I don’t know what the consequences are for not complying, but anyone who knows me knows that I will dress up for just about anything, only very slight provocation needed.

[Also, anyone know of a good pillow to put on my office chair? My butt has developed some pain...]

Sincerely,

the happiest Emilie you’ve heard from in months

P.S. Tune into my work blog tomorrow after 9am PST for an amazing LotR comic that I drew at www.connectsmu.wordpress.com

P.P.S. L’Oreal Paris has the best new shades of nail polish out. I bought one today, I want them all, but apparently nail polish now costs $7-$9-$12 at the drugstore. I just don’t know how or when that happened.

Eating and Working My Way to a Size 8 in 2012

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I’ve written about falling into an exercise plateau, I’ve written about discovering (or, finally, giving in) to Jazzercise, and I most recently wrote about beginning to run. I have been honest in my struggles, in my inspirations, and in my battle for self esteem. I thought that I had learned how to motivate myself, how to keep myself fit, and how to eat well so that I feel well.

Then, I came up against an enemy far more formidable than I had been prepared to face: an office job in the winter in the Pacific Northwest. Eight hours of sitting a day (when I am not out traveling) combined with the windy cold and interminable grey of December in Western Washington has become the largest detriment to my health since Sophomore year of college. I have somehow miraculously avoided putting on weight, but I feel terribly squishy, lacking in energy, and physically unhappy. I am tapped out, and by the time I get home at night all I want to do is watch Netflix, take a bath, and go to bed.

This past week (and upcoming one) are especially painful, because while I have been in town I haven’t been able to Jazzercise because I have had to and still have to stay late at work to call students and find out if they really want to apply to Saint Martin’s.

I have decided (and I know I talk a lot, but I mean it!) to rebel against this festering seasonal slobbery and am going to make it to size 8 by the end of 2012. There is no reason why I cannot reach my ultimate goal this year, and stay there. This is not a resolution, I am forever failing at resolutions. Rather, it is a promise.

This health journey has been eye-opening, especially in view of the recent failures. I need inspiration, motivation, and accountability.

With my job I have free access to a wonderful gym, literally a five minute walk from my office door if I am wearing heels. I have not taken advantage of this since summer–I will no longer waste this luxury. I have an hour lunch break that I often spend lazing around, traveling from store to store listlessly trying to fulfill my yearning for something more by making purchases I could probably survive without. I will make an effort to spend at least half of my lunch breaks working out.

I’ve also done something a little reckless and out of character–I have agreed to play on the Staff Intramural Basketball team. They needed women, I needed structured exercise, and I think it will be a really fun way to hang out with colleagues and make a fool of myself. I should probably start studying up on the rules of Basketball….back when I was a Drum Major I could tell when to yell “offense” or “defense” and when a time out or quarter was coming up so that I could start a song, but I think I have since then pretty effectively wiped the rules of the game from my memory if I ever knew them.

In the search for workout inspiration, I was exposed to two magazines yesterday (at a Cookie party, nonetheless) that I am hoping will be a good reminder for me that I am not alone. I subscribed to two years of Clean Eating, and I am going to try out a digital subscription to Oxygen for a while. The first is chock-full of clean and devastatingly delicious looking recipes, and the second seems to be written for female competitive body-builders but has information for women at levels of health and fitness. While browsing Oxygen’s website to see if I was really interested, I came across a very helpful tip: once in a while I ought to reward myself for doing well, but with something other than food. Interesting! I know that all of the literature in the world cannot give me the will to work out, only I can, but as a visual learner I will find the reminder to be most helpful.

I don’t feel particularly bad that my slipping has hit the heaviest during the holiday season, I actually find it rather comically cliché. I am not upset with myself, but I can feel the difference physically and mentally. As another visual cue, and a source of encouragement, I am going to print out a picture of myself at my heaviest weight, and hang it next to a picture of where I am at now by my mirror. This will be a reminder of where I never want to return, and of how much I can accomplish when I, as the maker of my new running shoes would recommend, “just do it”.

Sincerely,

Emilie

P.S. Thanks to the two “S”s for recommending the mags.

P.P.S. Thanks to Y for Jazzercise.

P.P.P.S. Thanks to A and K for constantly recommending running, even if it took me years to believe you.

and finally, skipping the P’s and the S’s, a funny article in the New York times about how technology is ruining common plot devices.

How the 2011 Summer Martha-Approved Exercise Plan is Going to Help Me lose 30 More Pounds:

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Martha Stewart may be my greatest female role model.

I love her more than Meryl, which is quite shocking to think of loving anyone more than I love Meryl.

I haven’t always been this way, there was a dark time in my past (I shudder to recall) when Martha and I were enemies. I misunderstood what the Homemaking Queen was all about, and mis-labeled her as a fraud. I thought that she cheated by using ideas made by other people and then branding them with her name. Several years ago I was given her house-keeping handbook by my mother (long before it was relevant to me) and liked Martha even less for enabling the giving of such an odious Christmas non-present.

Then something beautiful happened–Martha went to prison for insider trading.

Now, I realize that this may have been a negative turning point for some Martha-lovers but for me, an avid Martha despiser, it was an epiphany. Martha Stewart was, and is, a visionary–she recognized that women (and men) deserve and desire confidence and elegance in their homes, but were clueless as to the “how”. Ideas were around but scattered, and Martha gathered them together (as well as offering some herself) and made them easy, user-friendly, and extremely aesthetically pleasing. Martha liberated home-making and made it kosher for the liberated woman to participate in, freeing the remnants of “crafting/baking/cleaning is anti-feminist” clutter from the minds of powerful women. Martha is a savvy businesswoman, promotes healthy body image, and a satisfyingly constant breeze of fresh, albeit somewhat cleaner and sparklier, air.  When Martha got locked up, rather than resting on her laurels or spending all of her time and energy trying to lie and hide, Martha took the opportunity to spread some of her signature magic to the lives of her fellow inmates. This made me respect her. Martha’s conviction made me a convert.

Ever since then I’ve delightedly perused the pages of my housekeeping bible, determined to embroider month labels for my mattress so I know when to rotate it and resolving to clean up everyday. (Something which worked well for a week until I took a break and bang–a mess appeared! I’ve swiftly started again.) I check her website(s) frequently, and have spent many an hour following link after link that have helped me to better my living.

The reason for this gushing Martha endorsement is that I have been having some trouble lately with my Healthy Me Campaign. Yes, faithful readers, I hit a genuine slump. You all know that I took a break from serious exercise for finals, and afterward it was hard to begin again. I re-started up daily exercise, green smoothies, and calorie tracking recently (and was sticking to it–minus theatre/theater outings) but somehow the same old plan wasn’t quite as shiny as it was before. Effective, certainly–the original plan helped me lose thirty pounds. But this time, I wasn’t enthused. Also, because of graduation my workout buddy can no longer come to the school rec center, whereas I can because I am working on campus. Sadly, it isn’t very much fun to do machine weight training on my own without the conversation to spur me forward. In other words–last year’s plan is now boring.

I want to lose another 30 pounds, but I can tell you right now that I wasn’t going to make it if I stuck with the same old routine, especially on my own. I decided to start google-ing. I wanted something that incorporated weight training and cardio, preferably something I could do a lot of at home, so I could use the rec center mostly for cardio and then beat the traffic rush home to continue there with very loud music.

Martha Stewart (via WholeLiving) to the effervescent rescue!

I followed a link on Martha Stewart Living to the WholeLiving website, and this delightful (and beautifully photographed) amalgamation of yoga, pilates, and weight training popped up with focus on different areas of the body. I was sold. The website has cool healthy me tips and worksheets, tools, skin tips, exercise tips, and a whole lot more in exemplary Martha presentation. I highly recommend checking it out if you are looking for something to do. The only thing I didn’t like was that I had to click to different photo galleries for the different break-ups of exercises, but I compiled it all in a Word document for myself. A lot of the stuff I was already doing, and doing more of, so I’ve modified the routines a little. It does have a fresh new feel, and Martha endorses this, so I’m sold. I’m also excited. I can do all of this at home, and Martha can smile down on me from above. (Or from the East Coast. Wherever.)

Just as a comparison, here is my old exercise routine, Jakercise (named after its creator):

And here is my new routine, thanks to the gracious Martha and her faery-like minions:

I’ve already purchased my tennis ball and I am ready to begin tomorrow.

Sincerely,

a re-animated health-seeking

Emilie

P.S. I am going to be doing a weekly poll from now on. Please vote on it. Really, it’s not that hard to look at the right hand of your screen and click a button. I see my blog stats–I know you’re out there.

Essentially Three Months

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Classes will be all over in essentially three months.

Some days this seems to be far too far away.

Then I remember…oh, that’s really soon!

I got in the graduating mood today, when my official Chickasaw Nation High Honors stole arrived in the mail. I have to get it approved by the graduation committee (whoever they are) but I’m really stoked.

Yes, those are real feathers.

Be jealous.

—————–

I’ve embarked on a 21-day guided meditation challenge, and so far its been delightful. I missed the links to the first couple so had to double up on two days in order to catch up, but now I am right on track. This has come at the perfect time; I’ve been struggling a lot for peace the past week or so.

—————-

I’ve started writing down my dreams. I keep a spiral right next to my bed, and immediately upon awakening I write my dreams down. May I just say, my dreams are incredibly vivid and they continue to get more so? Sometimes I wake up disoriented because everything seems so real when I am sleeping. Two days ago it took me a half hour to write everything down. I may need to adjust my wake time accordingly. I shudder to do this as I already get up at 6am every day anyway.

—————-

The oral surgeon at the follow-up appointment said, “Oh, they’re healing really well”   “Good patient!”  “Keep rinsing” “I don’t need to see you again, goodbye.” That was all he said.

—————-

I am really in love with my vocal music this semester.

For NATS I will be performing:

Classical—Amorosi Miei Giorni, A Cantar A Una Nina, Where Corals Lie

Musical Theatre–But Not For Me (Girl Crazy), Getting to Know You (King & I), Last Midnight (Into The Woods–my all time favorite song in my all time favorite musical)

(P.S. I’m starting to sound pretty good!

P.P.S. I’m going to have a blast as Orlofsky in Die Fledermaus)

—————–

The antibiotics I was on were messing with my digestive system and made me gain a little bit of weight suddenly. Now that they are done (why did I have to take sooo many?) things are finally returning to normal (thank goodness!) and I am starting to look my new normal again.

Click Here for an update to my Healthy Me page where I show you the progress I have made on the weight loss road.

Of course, I’ve still a ways to go, but I am quite proud of what I have done so far. Slow and steady makes for permanent loss.

 

I’d be tickled pink if you had a lovely evening, on me.

Namaste.

Sincerely,

Emilie

Well…maybe I’ll just go naked.

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Dear readers, fans, stalkers, and autobots:

First of all, I would like you all to know that it is currently 12 days until my 21st birthday (it is on the 27th, in case you get to this tomorrow or something. I would hate for you to think it is on the wrong day). My birthday has always been my favorite day of the year. It isn’t that I need the day to be all about me, or that I think I can get away with more than my usual share of sass, or even the few presents (although I do love presents) that I may or may not receive. It is more the idea of a fresh start, a new year in which I can do or be whatever I like. It is also a feeling of accomplishment, a commemoration of growth. I like to think of it as a sort of wake for the previous years in my life, and a dedication or blessing for the upcoming years.

My mother claims that when I was younger I would start counting down to my birthday months ahead of time, and that as soon as the month of October hit my grades would go down, I would become far too antsy to concentrate on anything remotely productive, and everyone around me would despair until after the 27th had passed. Little does she know; I am still filled with that ecstatic, bubbling joi de vivre when October 1st hits, but at least now I can keep it down to a simmer during school. Even if I weren’t to tell anyone (a tactic I’ve tried before, thinking that people wouldn’t judge me for being so “self-centered” which in the end just made me feel sad and judged–so now I just shout it from the rooftops) I would still know what was coming and would still have this overwhelming feeling of change and excitement. Think about how you used (or, if you’re like me, still do) to feel on Christmas Eve, and then multiply it by about ten. That’s where I am at, currently.

Now as to the particular excitement: I am turning 21. No, I am not going to go out and get trashed the moment the clock chimes twelve. However, I will now finally FINALLY be at an age where people can stop teasing me about being “a baby”, rolling their eyes at me and then explaining kindly to the amused hostess why we cannot sit in the bar area, making plans in front of me and then either making a sad face at me knowing that I cannot participate or suddenly stopping, distraught, and exclaiming, “wait, we can’t do that! Emilie’s not old enough!” Also, there are a few people who seem to think that they are better than me, their main reason being the fact that they are, and I am not, 21. Now they’ll have to come up with something more conclusive to prove their superiority.

Finally, I also get a new driver’s license! (Speaking of, somebody really needs to point out where the Lacey DMV is to me). It is going to be turned the other way, like a real adult license, and will no longer say anything remotely resembling, “age 18 on”. Also, it will have a new picture. Hopefully a more flattering picture.  So if you catch me bright eyed and antsy, unable to concentrate, and ridiculously excited for no particular reason, you will know that I am probably just thinking in my head, “It’s almost my birthday!!!!”

*Sidenote: I wish I could still get away with wearing a tiara around without feeling like a complete DB like I did when I was little. I was going through old photos the other day, and every single birthday I had some sort of crown stuck on my head. I think later this week I will upload some of them, as they are quite adorable.

These past two days I have not had school as St. Martin’s was on Fall Study Break. For the responsible student, these two days off are designed to give us an opportunity to study for our midterm examinations which will be occurring next week (both of mine on Monday.) For the not responsible student it is an opportunity to completely ignore impending exams and get a head start on their drunken escapades in an attempt to experience the worst hangover on Sunday instead of Monday. I fall much closer to the first category of student (as was probably obvious by the use of the inclusive “my” and “our” and the exclusive “their” . You see what I did there?)

I spent just about all of yesterday before rehearsal cleaning, organizing, and downsizing. I went through my closet and bagged up almost all of my clothes that are now too big, too old, too ugly, or too worn out for me to be seen in public wearing. I say almost, because by the end I was panicking that I would have to go naked if I didn’t stop throwing things out, so a few highly questionable articles of clothing made it back into my closet on a sort of probationary period.

THE POSITIVES: I am back down (practically) to the size I was as a junior in high school. Which is crazy to believe. My body itself has obviously changed into that of an adult woman’s, but my size is slowly getting back to where it was.

–All but two of my pageant/prom gowns fit again. This is a huge accomplishment, and as a result I have a feeling I am going to be wearing poofy ballgowns to my recitals…  These dresses have not just been sitting in my closet since high school, I have definitely tried them on multiple times and cried over the inches of exposed flesh in between the strained and only partially closed zippers.But those days, my friends, are over. Now I can feel free to twirl around the house feeling like a princess as much as I want–as long as nobody is home.

–I now have about 4 beautiful coats, all of which I held onto in the hopes that one day they would fit again, and low and behold they are mostly too big.

–A few casual dresses did make it through the cut, so I will wear those with tights.

THE DOWNSIDES (which I suppose aren’t really negative, but part of the journey)

–I have about three shirts now, two of which were only rescued because they were the lesser of many evils.

–A LOT of not-prom dresses, in almost perfect condition, received the boot (including but not limited to my only red dress, my bright pink flowered with pockets and twirly skirt from Macy’s dress, my pretty a-line plain black dresses, my black knit turtleneck dress, and a cool black a-line dress with a beaded neckline reminiscent of an Aztecan ceremonial robe).

–Since I bought all of those hangers over the past year to fit all of my clothing, I now have a closet half filled with empty hangers.

THE RESOLUTIONS

It’s been a while since I have made a resolution on here, so now you get three for the price of one! (Aren’t you excited?)

First resolution: Now that I don’t have a gargantuan behemoth bloated stomach to hide, I am going to buy/sew more form-fitting shirts (not icky “oh honey you’re wearing what?” too-small shirts, but shirts that flatter my new-and-improved figure instead of trying to camouflage it).

Second resolution: If I am going to allow myself my wonderful weekly almost-every-other-daily-lately caramel americanos, then I am  going to go back to my stricter rule of no soda, no juice, just tea and water (and very occasionally hot cocoa). Also, I need to be a little more strict with snacks and goodies, I’ve gotten a little lenient in the last month (which is nothing to what I used to eat) but since my workouts are not as strenuous anymore due to the musical I need to pick up the slack on the other side.

Third resolution: If someone compliments how I look…I am (this time I will! I promise!) going to do my best to not only say thank you and smile, but try to believe it. Just because I have more goals to meet does not mean that I should not be proud of my progress.

Today I spent catching up on my listening journal for Music History, and doing a sad little bit of yoga. After four hours of homework, and only being halfway done, I got to the point where I now swear that if I have to listen to another mass part or madrigal I will probably do something quite drastic. When I get home from work I shall most likely practice some instruments, perhaps make something, do some studying, and watch some Smallville. Tomorrow I shall finish my homework so that on Sunday I can sew!

I hope that you are enjoying the crisp fresh fall air as much as I am!

Sincerely,

An almost older Emilie

P.S. My plan that I made, which I am not quite ready to share yet, is not only still a goal but is becoming more real to me every day.

E.E.A.S

P.P.S. Anyone who is looking for gently used, fabulous, clothing who thinks they would fit my old clothes (a range of sizes) let me know. Or if you know of anywhere I could sell it, without its having to be brand-name, could you let me know?

E.E.A.S.

It’s Good to be an Emilie

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If you don’t believe me, let me share a few reasons why the FFF have been rather kind lately and why my mantra “Everyone gets exactly what they need exactly when they need it” has proven again and again to be appropriate.

1–My University is putting on Grease the Musical.


I was cast as Rizzo!

I am extremely excited; two songs, fun lines, and described in the script as “skinny and unconventionally beautiful”. The show will be the weekends of November 11-21, if you haven’t yet seen one of my shows this would be a wonderful opportunity to attend.

2–My cape was successfully sewn, and I love it. Most other people love it too. I need to put up a picture of it soon.

3–I am looking hot. This whole workout thing=genius.

Time for another one of Emilie’s excellent lectures:

If you are serious about performing, you need to know that diet and exercise (being healthy and fit) are just as important as vocal and acting exercise. If you want the character roles, you can be only 50 pounds overweight (no more and no less) but you still have to be physically fit. (The last coming from several industry professionals giving a panel I had the opportunity to sit in on.) If you want to play any other role, you cannot be overweight. More than this–you have to be physically fit. Having a healthy body improves singing, and it is important to make these positive life changes now. This lovely woman in Salt Lake summed it up quite nicely, “If you cannot lose weight and become healthy in college, you [probably] never will”.   *I added the “probably”.

For the longest time I hid behind excuses on why I didn’t work out, and I was the only one who could motivate myself to change. I was in denial for years, and horrified when I finally recognized how much weight I had allowed myself to gain. I began to realize that I would never have much opportunity to be cast if I continued to stay in the atrocious state I had reached, and it has only been with serious hard work that I have reached the new, healthier, stage of my life. I am still about 40 pounds from my goal weight, but I know that with continued diligence I will be able to reach the optimum health for my body, without taking dangerous shortcuts or causing new problems.

Lately I have run into many many people who compliment me enthusiastically on the way I now look, groan about their current state, and then ask what magical secret I have. They all seem to be rather disappointed when I let them know that there is no secret…just hard work. One and all they walk away depressed, resigning themselves to remain at their current weight because they do not want to put in the work.

I’ve said it before and I will say it again: From all of the research I have done, I know that permanent weight loss is slow. It can be frustrating. It can be painful. But it can also be successful. Fad diets and exercise binging are just that–fads. They work for a while and then either burn you out or stop working and you are back where you started.

For all of you who are curious as to what I have been doing (and will continue to be doing) I have put up a new page called “A Healthy Me Campaign“. I am in the process of finishing it, but when it is complete it will hold many different things.

A: A meter measuring my weight loss. Is it a little scary letting the whole world know where I am at? Yes. But I am also proud of my progress and I want to celebrate it. I also believe that this is a way to keep myself accountable.

B: Pictures. Ugh. These pictures will chronicle my weight loss journey, and I will hold nothing back.No matter how much they make me shudder.

C: The IE & Y Exercise Plan. (formerly titled “Jakercise”) If you are looking to start a workout routine but do not know what to do, here is a great plan. It’s been effective for me, and caters to all different levels of physical fitness.

D: Other. I will include updates, words of encouragement, breakthroughs, healthy recipes, tips, and anecdotes.

Back to reasons why I love being me:

4–In Music History we were studying Gregorian Chant the other day. We had three actual monks (who chant every day) come into class and demonstrate, and then invite us to participate. Where else would this sort of thing be possible? And what could be a more lovely way to study?

5–I am back in piano lessons. Even though I have to sacrifice my beautiful nails to the Spirit of the Keys on a weekly basis, I consider it a fair trade for the abilities that are slowly coming back to me. Quitting piano lessons has been one of my biggest regrets (although at the time it was undoubtedly what I needed.)

6–One of my bosses in Admissions recently moved on to a new position and before she left she assured me that I could email her at any time for a reference. I feel so thankful that I am largely respected by the various adults in my life.

7–I am learning how to say “No”. Or perhaps I’m past that point? I’m excited, I’m reveling, I’m rejoicing in the ability to say “No”. You want to know what is better than saying “No?” Saying “I Quit!” I’m on quite the roll…It all started when I quit Residence Life, then I quit being “in charge” of Theatre Workshop, and then most recently I quit Student Liturgy choir. All of these things were wonderful when they were in my life, but I have reached a point where I needed to move past them. As a part of becoming “healthy” I am trying to learn balance in all aspects. My entire life I have been a “doer” and a “fixer” who signs up for everything because I thought it was my duty.

After a kind of disastrous year last year I had the realization (although those wonderful voices around me had seen this long before me, and I thank them for their patience in waiting for me to come to the same conclusion) that many of the things I had been doing were based on Ego and were taking a serious toll on my success. So I am trying not to sign up for anything new this year (although I am in the advanced choir, so that is new but I traded Student Lit for it), and to really reevaluate everything I am doing. I know now that it is very important that I set aside ME time every week, schedule in both practice and exercise times just as seriously as work and classes, and to realize that I don’t owe my friends anything. I like to spend time with friends but I have to pick and choose very carefully which social things will be uplifting and rejuvenating, and which will be draining or not as important as other things.

Every time I let out a “no” I get this little surge of excitement, which eventually leads to me joyously shouting while hopped up on endorphins from exercising, “NO NO NO NO! I said NO!” (as my workout partner, Emily, will tell you.)

So if I tell you “no” don’t take it personally, it is just another segment of my journey.

I hope that you are loving being yourself, because I definitely am! (Most of the time.)

Have a lovely, healthy, balanced, and cheerful evening!

Sincerely,

Emilie

Body Image: Awful Poetry Edition.

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The Problem With Mirrors and Magazines.

#1

What is wrong with my brain;

I’d really like to know?

It seems that when I drop a pound

fifteen more start to show.

#2

I am me

I am not She

She is not Me

but she’s who I’m supposed to be.

Or is she?

#3

Work, sweat;

Progress.

Wake, look;

Setback.

#4

I spy, with my mind’s eyes

Something that isn’t quite right.

My head, it knows,

But my stomach it shows,

And something inside of me lies.

The numbers are there–

they don’t matter.

I spy, with my real eyes,

Something that isn’t wrong

My head, it knows

But my stomach again shows,

And something inside of me lies.

The numbers, who cares?

I think that voice is broken.

While I may have just gone off the dramatic deep end , I do have a point to make  with my awful poetry. You lovely readers know that lately I have been making an effort to become a healthier person. (Yes, I fail many, many times but I always start anew.) So far in this process I’ve lost two pant sizes and over fifteen pounds. You would think that this would be a great victory for me, the girl who slowly gained weight during the first three years of college until she resembled a miniature blimp–albeit a blimp with great legs.

For a while, it was. When I first saw the number on the scale, when I first zipped up those skinny jeans I haven’t been able to wear since Freshman year which have been living in the basement ever since and now are too large, I was ecstatic. I had accomplished something, and I was looking good.

Then, I took another look. That tummy is still rather rotund, the upper arms and legs are not as firm or as thin as could be desired, and the face is still buried in flab. It doesn’t matter that I lost that weight, I’ve still got thirty five pounds to lose, I cannot believe I allowed my self to reach that god-forsaken state of heft,  people were probably embarrassed to be around me. They probably are still.

I am not writing to lament over what I like to jokingly call “my predicament.” It is my fault, and my fault alone, that I became unhealthy. I refused to exercise regularly and did not eat well. I spent my time in sedentary pursuits, and I made excuses for why I could not possibly be healthy.

I am not writing for a self-esteem boost, or fishing for complements. I know that I have made good progress, and I hope to continue to do so. I know that the changes I am making now will help me to be healthy and have a full life as years go on.

I am writing because my way of thinking, while almost universal, is not ok. The mind adjusts very, very quickly to changes in appearance, and the idea of “never being good enough” is far too prevalent. Yes, it is good to strive to excel in life, but not at the price of mental well-being and actual health. It is good to try hard, to not be lazy: it is bad to think “no matter what I do I can always do better.” Because what does that really mean? “I will never be good enough.”

So please, women and men, next time you look in the mirror, try taking a few moments to go over some of your positive attributes rather than just the ones that could be improved on. I will try to do the same. I will try to look back and say, “look at how far I have come.”

I recognize that I am still on a journey, but if I refuse to recognize my successes then I render them impotent.

Sincerely,

Emilie

P.S. “Awful Poetry” title borrowed from grapesofrad.

–E.E.A.S.