I have quite outgrown the church my parents attend: First Baptist.
The list of why I do not like attending service here is pages long and I won’t bore you with it now.
However when I come home for holidays my parents are adamant that I attend with them, even though I attend other churches during the normal week.
So today I decided to look at the service not as a chore but as an area for acting and writing research.
I’ve started carrying a notepad with me everywhere I go so that I can write things down and I was a little surprised at all of the great material I got.
Here are a few:
(Two old women gossiping about another woman who was quite literally 50 feet away)
“It’s a shame she’s so big, she has such a beautiful personality.”
“Yes. But why is her hair green?”
“I don’t know. I’ve heard she even lets her children dye their hair. She’s really quite liberal. Her daughter even has these tattoos all up and down her arms.”
“Yeah, I mean they come off, they’re that henna stuff. But they last a really long time, they’re about the color of her sweatshirt and they just take a long time to come off. I mean, all up and down her arms.”
The following was not delivered as a joke:
“You can tell somebody’s a real Christian when they keep going to small groups [instead of dropping out].
The next really kills me:
“You can never tell if people are pregnant any more, I mean, she looked pregnant.”
A man walked in with dyed hair, it was previously gray.
“His hair is just a tad…uh…less…uh….”
A woman talking about a recent manicure:
“I am never going back to one of those places again, you know the Japanese Chinese places. The polish they use just isn’t safe.”
I don’t know that I’ve ever heard more racist comments than at church.
We attended the later “contemporary” service. I don’t know what made it contemporary other than the loud, bad, sound (back-feeding microphones, levels all askew), out of tune vocals, and the video slides. Or perhaps it was the Bible trivia game that opened the service? (I am really good at Bible trivia by the way.)
There were also some serious hick-accents going on.
It amazes me that people from the boonies who have never left Washington somehow develop southern accents. It starts as lazy consonants and then it all goes to hell.
Last week I attended St. Mike’s and it was one of the most beautiful services I have ever attended.
Next week I am going back.
p.s. Happy Easter
p.p.s Did you guys ever read the Left Behind books? Well in one of the later ones, the antichrist starts making everybody say “He is risen” and then respond with “He is risen indeed”. The Christians in the books would make a really big deal out of winking and wagging their eyebrows while saying it, indicating that they were saying these things about Jesus. Well ever since that book came out First Baptist has started saying this (about Jesus and not the antichrist portrayed in the Left Behind series) on Easter and during other sermons that require special emphasis and evangelical fire.
The pastor yells out “HE IS RISEN”
and the congregation responds with a fiery “HE IS RISEN INDEED” and for extra measure adds some “hallelujahs”, “amens”, “say it brutha”s, and hand-waving.