Summer is supposed to be relaxing and rewarding, right? Then what is so wrong with me?
When I take time off and veg I feel like a lazy schmuck who probably doesn’t deserve to be wasting oxygen but who is so selfish that I am going to anyway, and when I am busy I feel like I have no time for myself or for others. Either way, I’m always worried. A certain relative refers to me constantly as a “worry wort.” (Thanks for giving me another thing to worry about.)
Lovely Emily accused me recently of being a “perfectionist.” I was immediately horrified and offended and of course she was completely wrong about me I’ve never been a perfectionist–I just always like to do better and I abhor life without beauty and I’m never good enough and anything less than the ideal is unacceptable and automatically a great failing on my part.
Hold, on, I think I need a moment.
No, that cannot possibly be true!
Well, look at my room, it is usually in some state of imperfection (and I hate every moment of it and am embarrassed to share it with others when it is not perfectly shining and ordered.)
Well, look at my online class: I procrastinated on my reading and got a 90% on my quiz as a direct result of not reading the material carefully and because of my poorer quiz scores (one other 90 and one 85!) I only have 98.7% in the class overall. When I could probably get one hundred.
Well…I don’t always practice as much as I should, but I feel guilty about that.
Well…..there’s absolutely nothing wrong with wanting everything to live up to its potential and having everything organized and…and….and….maybe having some slightly perfectionist tendencies (even if the execution is hopelessly flawed.)
Well, perhaps one might say (but I sure as heaven am not going to) that I am a perfectionist, and one might even admit that they might be right (but I’m not), and if this were the case, what should I do with this knowledge?
It’s a really tough line between deciding what is worth fighting for and what isn’t, what standards are healthy and what are damaging. I think I cross over on either side of this line on different issues; sometimes my standards are quirky but healthy, sometimes they are completely damaging. I need to think on this and perhaps make some adjustments in my life, perhaps not. I’m not going to worry about this any more, but I am going to note it.
In COMPLETELY unrelated and not unhealthy or weird news: I have purchased something which will bring much happiness to me in life. (If I’m your friend on FB or you follow me on Twitter you already know all about it, but humor me and act surprised.)
I purchased…..a LIBRARY CATALOGING SOFTWARE!
With it I keep track of all of my books (alphabetically and by genre, just like they are on the shelves), make sure I don’t purchase duplicates, and keep track of loaned books.
I am so excited.
All I have to do is type in the ISBN number and all of the information is filled in.
Or, once I receive my barcode scanner in the mail, I can simply scan the barcode and the information will pop up.
Also, I have a date stamp, so in order to go with this organization system, I have created a FORM which I will make you fill out if you borrow a book from me. (Just go with it. It’s dumb to you but it is fun for me so suck it up and play along.)
See how there are two, so one goes on the shelf and one goes in the book? Genius, I know!
Finally, this time actually unrelated, today at work my finger got smashed by a wooden shelf and there are broken blood vessels under the skin and my finger really, really, really hurts. I was quite surprised at how badly it hurt for the first hour, and how badly it continues to hurt. The worst part is, it is my middle finger, so when I am holding it out trying not to move it, it just looks like I am making lewd gestures. I am also surprised by how much energy it sucked out of me, and how much mental power. I am blogging now because I am at second work (check out their blog HERE) but as soon as I get home I really want to curl up and sleep for a million hours.
This lovely woman I kind of work with just said the nicest thing to me.
She told me that I was very beautiful, and that she didn’t know me, but that if I was as beautiful on the inside as I am on the outside I must be a truly wonderful person, and she bets I am.
Thank you so much!
I may not always be (or feel) beautiful either out or in, but I certainly try. Thank you for the encouragement.