I hope you all can find it in your hearts to forgive me as I’ve been rather negligent with my blog lately.
I’d like to say it is because I have been too busy, which is true as always, but mostly I think I just haven’t had much to say for a few days.
This weekend I’ve been on a sort of retreat. Actually, I’ve been house-sitting with nothing but homework, a piano, and a surly cat to keep me company. I’ve made brief forays out into reality (like attending a fabulous and free piano concert played by Dr. Melvin Chen, catching part of Sherlock Holmes with a couple friends, and going to work), but spent my days getting things done–or mostly not getting things done.
A bit of a loner, I always forget that I need my own “fortress of solitude” to learn about myself and prepare for what is expected of me from time to time. (Sorry, I’ve been catching up on Smallville lately.) I’ve made bad food choices, eating corn dogs, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, and even some pizza. I’ve watched internet tv, studied for one test and completely ignored preparing for another. I have spent hours practicing my music, and I bought some new eye-liner and mascara. And some cheap jeans and a $7 clearance bright pink romper which you can expect to see sometime soon.
Today after work I was still isolated from reality, but joined in my escape by lovely Y. We talked for hours, sipped on our favorite drink (thank you cute mormon barista from Salt Lake who recommended the iced caramel americano and was duly impressed by the sight of me in my romper), and figured out a little bit of what we do, and do not, want from life. Oh yeah, and we discovered that somebody up there is in full support of us and our life-directions.
I will explain: We decided it would be lovely to do yoga on the dock, even though it was windy and cold.
As soon as we went outside the sun came out, the wind stopped, and for the duration of our practice exactly it was warm. Completely calm I rolled out of savasana like a good little yoghini-poser-wannabe and as I stood up the brisk breeze returned unexpectedly and ushered us inside. Feeling centered, but not quite fresh enough, we decided to go on a walk later on. The moment we stepped out the wind again abated, the sun came out for the duration of our walk, and promptly reverted to brisk October as we reached the house at the conclusion of our walk.
Inside, discussing lives present, past, and future, I was gifted a certain peace I have not felt in a long while. I suddenly realized, it does not matter what other people think I ought to be doing. It only matters what is actually right for me to be doing.
I shouldn’t spend all my time wishing for a future that will come some day, I shouldn’t make my plans due to social obligations, and I shouldn’t be afraid to accomplish all that I know I can do.
No more, dear friends, no more will I run away from making my own life because I am afraid of what I am capable of.
You may be thinking to yourself, it sounds like you might have a direction Emilie! And I might wink at you and respond, “it might sound that way.” But, loyal supporters and annoying internet trolls who trick me into thinking I have new comments on my blog, I am not telling.
You heard me.
I don’t want negative input from anyone, however well-meaning, that might distract me from my truths, and the things I need to do in order to accomplish my new goal.
Consider me no longer floundering.
A quote from a movie I am quite fond of, “It’s time to be the leading lady in my own life [damnit]!” (Although are you all with me in wishing that Cameron Diaz’s role had been played by someone, well, not Cameron Diaz?)
It’s amazing what some time alone, and time spent in good company, will do for a person.
(Not to mention a little bit of pigging out, which will be curtailed quite violently now that my weekend away is coming to an end.)
P.S. It’s hard for me to believe, but I think (and many folks have been telling me) that I’ve been looking quite hot lately. It’s hard for me to overcome my own weird body issues and accept this fact, but I am starting just barely to believe. I think my goal is twenty more pounds, I feel as though this will be enough. Can you believe that I am already halfway there? There’s that potential I’m so scared of–once I really set out to do something, by golly, I do it. And I’m going to keep doing it. Just you wait!