Something is afoot…


This year has been somewhat different, with regards to the Holiday season. It took me until about a moment ago to pin a name on what I was missing.

Anticipation.

You all heard me gearing up for my birthday, usually I am at least that excited for Christmas. And that early.

This year, however, I’ve just sort of let it come. I didn’t even realize it was this Saturday until my mother mentioned that family was coming tomorrow.

I didn’t help decorate the tree.

I didn’t help hang the lights.

I have not eaten a single candy cane.

Peppermint is my favorite flavor in the world.

But every time the opportunity to eat one comes my way, I just think, “That looks so sugary, I don’t want to eat it.”

I haven’t listened to Christmas music since November.

I’ve only watched one Christmas Movie in December (Love, Actually). Instead I’ve been watching Smallville and Angel–not exactly your traditional holiday fare.

The only reason I have a countdown going is because my mother bought me a chalkboard countdown, and I rarely remember to update it.

I had to make everyone’s presents this year (and for that I truly apologize) and while I have enjoyed the time sewing and recharging, I cannot say that I have really gotten into the whole “festive” atmosphere.

There have been a few moments, like the Christmas Cruise, and the various Tritones dramatic reading performances when I have bubbled over with the Christmas jollies. Usually, however,Β  I have that feeling continuously from October on.

This year, it is almost like I don’t care. I love Christmas. I am happy that it is coming, but it is also just another day which, after 24 hours, will be over, and life will go on.

Is this just a part of growing up?

I’m only 21, I shudder to think what else might not be as exciting in the next few years. (And if any of you even fake sneeze the words *your birthday* I will probably have to decapitate you.)

Perhaps I am just still drained from the semester (in which I was NOT a crazy mess I would like to point out). Perhaps the early snow faked me out and I expended too much Christmas energy too soon.Perhaps that one bowl of pumpkin ice cream AND peppermint ice cream I had at the Helen House way back when they first were available this season blew the fuse on my Holiday Spirit and I haven’t bothered to flip the breaker back?

It could be that I am just having a moody day due to the hormones.

But, what if….I don’t love Christmas as much as I used to? And I never will again?

 

Don’t get me wrong, I am perfectly happy and content.

But there is no tinsely excitement.

 

….

As I’ve been typing, I’ve just realized something else. I think the exciting anticipation has been gone ever since the midnight premiere of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1–which I was not at.

I had been planning for over a year to attend, I had signed up for the Fandango first alert, and then once the time finally came around I decided to be a grownup and not exhaust my always-overworked self during the run of the musical. I slept just fine, and when I woke the next morning I did not feel as though I had missed a thing. It was ok not to have been in the first group of people in America to see the film. Ever since that day, things kept popping up in a steady stream to prevent me from seeing the film. I ran out of money at the end of November, then I had a play reading, a recital, and then finals. Then I had to give to SMU all of my money again in December (hence the homemade presents) and the end result is that I STILL have not seen Harry Potter OR Narnia.

Perhaps all of this is the direct result of me missing Harry Potter, and I am still in an extended grieving process. The world will probably not be right again until I see this film! Maybe in January, when I get paid again?

……

 

Even if the above has played a small portion in my loss of anticipation, I know deep down that this is something bigger. It is not necessarily bad, but I am still changing and I need to be able to adjust to myself. Maybe right now I cannot muster up the overwhelming excitement for the upcoming holiday, but I can still enjoy it in my own way, and still be happy and at peace with myself.

Wishing you a Happy-Almost-Christmas,

Sincerely,

Emilie

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3 thoughts on “Something is afoot…

  1. Its called growing up…I think. I have had this same non-excitement for the last 2 years, and have been disturbed by it. I dont like it. I dont get all bubbly about things any more, and I always wonder if there is something wrong with me. Who took away my pink lenses? Why is everything in High Def and kinda boring in its reality? I want to recapture that excitement from life, and I cant think of a damn thing that would get me that excited any more. Maybe that is why I am puttsing around with a job I dont love…I cant think of anything that I would rather do…sigh.

  2. I think it’s more burnout. I was definitely scrooge-like at the beginning of the month, but I’m pretty close to normal now, after working through all of the work ; )
    Childlike joy just takes some perspective and effort to get back to. Being on a diet and exercise program makes it harder too- a lot of my family traditions are super food based.
    You’ll get there.

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