Dear God give her some Motherwort and chocolate, please.


I had this brilliant realization in Shakespeare the other day.

I shared it with a friend.

She was highly unappreciative and not wowed as she should have been.

I think she might have even doubted me.

I find this confusing.

You, savvy readers, will doubtless be as filled with wonder as I was.

——————

Alien abductions.

We all know they occur.

Alien impregnation is just as popular, and slightly more disgusting.

You know, aliens disguising themselves as some hot body and then slip their malevolent alien seed into a poor unsuspecting female’s body–two days later she has an evil fully-developed alien spawn threatening to take over the planet and about to claw it’s way through her stomach flesh.
Well, little did you know, this disgusting process occurs all the time on planet Earth, millions of times a day.

We just haven’t realized it.

Until now.

You see…..Plants do the SAME THING. (I will be using fruit trees as examples, but I am sure you can see how the analogy applies to other plants.)

They have seeds.

They disguise these seeds with delectable fruit.

Mammals come and eat the fruit. Then they expel the waste, the seeds. More plants spring up.

The plants expand.

Tricky, no?

You better watch out, those plants are going to take over and destroy us all.

Unless we chop them all down before they can.

I do not advise this.

They might start poisoning us as revenge.

I hope you are all as fascinated as I am.

Remember, forewarned is forearmed.

(Notice how I posted this on the internet where no plant products are used, so they will not be immediately aware of my theorem. Please resist printing this on paper. I’m pretty sure plants have a collective consciousness, or perhaps a hive mind by species, and only allow us to use their products so they can spread their eyes and ears and influence. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.)

Sincerely,

Emilie

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2 thoughts on “Dear God give her some Motherwort and chocolate, please.

    • Your chocolate did save my day, and I forgive you for not being moved by this discovery.
      (However, I will not promise to not say I told you so when we are living in a verdant post-apocalyptic world, where non-living technology will be obliterated. Yes, this means no texting.)

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