What’s Time to Me?

Of what use is time

to me?

I would ask it to back off and go away–

but then my birthday would never come.

And I love my birthday.

Other than that though, I sort of hate time.

Especially on those very grey days–

the ones made of chilling wind and impossible hair,

I wonder if time knows I sometimes view it as an enemy.

What of all those things I never did

and all the people I never did them with?

Every moment into the future erases possibilities from the past.

If I weren’t constrained in this bodily hour-glass I could make all the choices

and live all the lives–

knowing empirically which is best.

I guess I’ll have to chance it.

I’ve never been much of a gambler.

I’m in a weird head space this weekend. I’m in a limbo-y land stuck between today and tomorrows and even a couple of yesterdays. Normally my sight is pretty clear, but this weekend has been a fog. I want it to last longer and yet Monday is unrelenting. I’m scared by how quickly this weekend, this last week, this last year have passed. I love getting older but it’s also a little disconcerting. I think maybe too many people around me are getting married and having babies and dying. I’m starting to fall back into that “I just can’t relate” category that I worked hard to escape in college. This isn’t necessarily bad–just interesting and confusing.

When I was younger a year seemed like the ultimate marker of time–everything happened in years and looking past that was impossible. Nothing was important unless it could occur in a year. Now I’m thinking years plural, half-decades, decades, and seconds. You know how in training sessions and interviews everyone wants to make sure you can look at the big picture while still being aware of the important details? I feel like I am simultaneously being overwhelmed by both of these. Swathes of time so vast they seem intangible and moments so burdensome they feel unending.

I’m spewing nonsense I know.

Nonsense always made the most sense to me.




P.S. Love this post my sis shared. Thoughts?

3 thoughts on “What’s Time to Me?

  1. I’m annoyed with time right now. Its too slow when I need a day to end and too quick when I’m not ready or ‘done yet’, ya know?? Oh, and thank you for not getting married and having a baby yet. I need you around. Loooooooove, Roomie.

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