Of what use is time
I would ask it to back off and go away–
but then my birthday would never come.
And I love my birthday.
Other than that though, I sort of hate time.
Especially on those very grey days–
the ones made of chilling wind and impossible hair,
I wonder if time knows I sometimes view it as an enemy.
What of all those things I never did
and all the people I never did them with?
Every moment into the future erases possibilities from the past.
If I weren’t constrained in this bodily hour-glass I could make all the choices
and live all the lives–
knowing empirically which is best.
I guess I’ll have to chance it.
I’ve never been much of a gambler.
I’m in a weird head space this weekend. I’m in a limbo-y land stuck between today and tomorrows and even a couple of yesterdays. Normally my sight is pretty clear, but this weekend has been a fog. I want it to last longer and yet Monday is unrelenting. I’m scared by how quickly this weekend, this last week, this last year have passed. I love getting older but it’s also a little disconcerting. I think maybe too many people around me are getting married and having babies and dying. I’m starting to fall back into that “I just can’t relate” category that I worked hard to escape in college. This isn’t necessarily bad–just interesting and confusing.
When I was younger a year seemed like the ultimate marker of time–everything happened in years and looking past that was impossible. Nothing was important unless it could occur in a year. Now I’m thinking years plural, half-decades, decades, and seconds. You know how in training sessions and interviews everyone wants to make sure you can look at the big picture while still being aware of the important details? I feel like I am simultaneously being overwhelmed by both of these. Swathes of time so vast they seem intangible and moments so burdensome they feel unending.
I’m spewing nonsense I know.
Nonsense always made the most sense to me.
P.S. Love this post my sis shared. Thoughts?