A Greater Capacity


It’s funny how intentions, once thought, can bourgeon into life.

With a lot of hard work, of course.

—-

In addition to work and school, and homework, and more work and school, I’ve also been doing a lot of personal challenging and growth lately. Not in a debilitating my-entire-world-has-been-pulled-from-under-me work like I went through in undergrad, but fine-tuning work that may look more subtle, but has been groundbreaking for me. In case you are wondering, I highly recommend therapy to everyone. Not just because I’ll want clients one day, but because it is ludicrous that we are encouraged to check up on all parts of our body regularly except for the one part that is the most complex and least well known–the brain. As introspective as a person is (and if you know me you know I’m all about introspection), the fact of the matter remains that an outside eye is crucial to separating reality from misinterpretation.

As envious as I am of those people who don’t have 4.5 hour classes on summer evenings, I am absolutely loving my graduate program. In addition to the coursework, role plays, and facilitating I am also finding the experience to be opening me up in so many ways. I am writing plays, poems, prose, and songs; practicing my instruments, and even getting out of my hermit sanctuary much more often than I used to. I may not have enough hours in the day, but I am making the most of them.

Certainly, it isn’t rosy all the time, but over all I have found such grounded peace and happiness. The world around me isn’t as solid. Things are whirling around. There are a lot of things I’m worried about (such as my eventual internship), but worried on an exterior plane. Even while confronting painful insecurities and memories, on the deepest level I know that my life is congruent with my needs. At this time, I am doing what I am supposed to be doing.

——–

In addition to unearthing things I had thought long managed or forgotten, I am also gaining somewhat clearer insight into certain projects that I want to work on. I have several writing projects, as well as certain areas of scholarship I would be interested in in the future. I don’t know the timeline, location, or logistics but I am still very sure that eventually I will pursue a doctorate. Of course, I am open to knowing that life always changes, but this seems very important to me.

I’ve also found over the last year several things about myself: being close to my family is much more important than I used to think, I value roots, it is very difficult for me to be vulnurable yet important that I learn how to be so, and I don’t function well in a messy environment despite what my surroundings may at times indicate to the contrary.

——-

I do have one complaint however; as I try to open up and lower my shields, I’m finding all sorts of stray energy from all over darting in. Has this always been going on and I just never noticed it or allowed it to affect me, or are people sensing that I’m not running around in a tunnel of my own making anymore and responding accordingly? Every day I’m finding myself surprised by the intrusions (however well meant) and have not yet found a way to navigate this shift. That’s ok, I expected turbulence. I suppose that I shall just have to deal with it one way or another.

Ok you extraverts and energy-drawers–how do you deal with the constant intrusions without shutting yourself off? Maybe it’s just learning how to finesse access, and something that will come with time. I am confident that I will develop the skills I need in this area eventually.

——-

The final thought I’d like to leave with today is that I am finding within myself a greater capacity for empathy. Or, rather, less selective empathy. This is a blessing, albeit at times a heavy one.

 

Sincerely,

Emilie

 

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